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Saturday, February 9, 2013

How to be a "Good Dog" in France - and gain access to the finest restaurants

How to hide under Mommy's feet at a fancy party

 

Hi there, it's Flo' again.  I thought all dogs might like to learn how to attain "Good Dog" status in France, where they still understand that we are far superior to our humans, and deserve a place in the finest restaurants, etc.  A few pointers:

Learn the meaning of the word "NO"; it's a universal vocabulary word, yet even some adult humans never learn it.
  • Learn how to "go to the potty outside"; and convey to your humans "Yes, I need to go outside!" or "No thanks, not right now," when you need to go to the potty, before you really don't have a choice.  Learn how to ask, I promise you, you can train your humans.  Mine learned quickly.
  • Teach your humans how to ask YOU before you go into any establishment; in an appropriate place (with doo-doo baggies for the 'Big Kahuna'), 'Wee-Wee' or whatever command they teach you for either potty action.  Do this on command -- most human men never master this.  Being an empty dog gives you much greater social largesse!  And you'll be a more comfortable dog for it.
  • Do NOT EVER go to the potty inside; unless you are sick or your humans did not provide you the courtesy of giving your host a choice -- in which case, it's THEIR FAULT to begin with, and they have to clean up, and possibly pay for damages.
  • Learn to say "Hi!", with a happy, wagging tail; but sitting and staying right next to your human's feet when entering a restaurant or any public commerce.  Distribute kisses and autographs only when specifically asked.
  • Lie down under the table; and assume the "sleeping-dog position" once you're inside a restaurant. The goal is: you are invisible. When they discover there was actually a "good dog" under the table when you get up to leave, they will fall over themselves wanting to pet you, get 'schmoogle-kisses' and ask how "they can get their kids/husbands to behave so well."  Do not tell them, just show them.
  • Do not get distracted by other dogs or kids; no matter how cute and appealing they are, even if they solicit you.  The only exception to this rule is if their parents ask and your human gives you the "yes" signal. 
  • Do not beg for food, or stand-up to ask for table hand-outs; not matter how great the temptation, nor how low the table.  If the owner offers you scraps, sit, and look to your human to give you the "yes" or "no" signal first.
  • No barking, ever!  Unless you see someone in need of help and need to alert your human, (or need to verbally discuss the Animal Channel content in front of the TV at home). If you're scared or unsure, immediately go hide under/between Mommy's (or your human's) feet - see above photo.
  • No "paper napkin shredding" or "shoelace un-tying" surreptitiously under the table; no matter how bored you get. Trust my experience on this.
These tips are how I obtain and retain not only my bodily functions, but furthermore, my celebrity status as a "Good Dog", loved and welcomed by restaurants and their owners, France-wide, so far.  In addition, I am instantly recognised by name, given the best tables, and an automatic, clean bowl of fresh water in either sterling silver or heavy crystal upon my arrival.  Just kidding!  My humans are regularly allowed to accompany me too.  ;-)

Flo'

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